M as in Meatloaf

“Hi, this is your local bank!”

“Hi, I’d like to check on the balance in my account, please”

“What’s you name please?”

“Ben”

“And what’s your last name, Dan?”

“It’s Ben.”

“Your name is Dan Dan?”

“No, my first name. It’s Ben!”

“Ben Dan?”

“Ben Smith!”

“Oh, Ben Smith! Mr. Smith, could you spell that for me?”

Okay, so that’s a little corny, but you all know what I mean. Sometimes it’s hard to be understood over the phone. And to make matters worse, spelling things doesn’t help. With our silly alphabet every other letter sounds the same as another.

The military never has any trouble with this. As you know, they’ve developed a word for every letter of the alphabet so as to be crystal clear. You see it all the time in movies when they receive the ominous nuclear missile launch code: “Alpha Tango Bravo Foxtrot, confirmed sir. Commencing obliteration of that former soviet splinter cell run by a power hungry dude from one of those small Eastern European countries who blames the US for the death of his beautiful wife and four-year-old daughter. Aye, sir!”

Well we common, movie-going citizens aren’t ones to be left out of all the action. So we seemed to have formed our own club with our own secret codes within our splinter cell offices and homes. You know, when you’re on the phone and you have to spell something out, there’s commonly accepted words to use. Like, “My name is Ben. That’s B as in boy, E, N as in Nancy.” Also included is M as in Mary, F as in Frank, and D as in dog. Apparently only names and words that might appear in a kindergarten reader are eligible for the secret list.

But what if we changed all that? What if we threw a curve ball at the unsuspecting telephone customer service representative on the other end of the line? You could spell your whole name using the most random words you can imagine. “That’s B as in boomerang, E as in eyeball, N as in none-of-your-business!”

Or you could give them a vocabulary quiz using letters like A as in altruism, or T as in transcontinental! Or you could pick a theme, like food, geography, or disgusting bodily functions! I think that would help make the drone of the poor telephone rep’s day a little more interesting.

If you’re more the belligerent type, you could purposefully use words that make things more confusing. There are words that don’t help at all, like I as in I or T as in tea. Or you could use words that sound like other letters, like W as in why, E as in eye, or C as in cue. Or, my personal favorite, words that are other letters, like D as in double-u.

In case you’re having trouble coming up with your own examples. Here are some ideas to get you started:

Use the actual military alphabet:
Alpha Bravo Charlie Delta Echo Foxtrot Golf Hotel India Juliet Kilo Lima Mike November Oscar Papa Quebec Romeo Sierra Tango Uniform Victor Whiskey X-Ray Yankee Zulu

Or here is my alphabet:
Altruism Blasphemy Canker sore Double-U Euphemism Phone Gangrenous Hour Incendiary Juanita Krakatoa Light year Michelob Nonchalant Oh! Plebian Questionable Raul Seismic activity Tonsillitis Unequivocal Vivisect Why Roman numeral 10 Yen Zealot

Or create a themed alphabet:
The Redneck code should include A as in the Alamo, G as in gun rack, and Y as in yee-haw!

I’d love to get your ideas too. And if you’re actually brave enough to try any of these, let us know how it goes.